Fear

Fear. A four letter word, a heart pounding emotion that I’ve let run so much of my life. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of loss, fear of being hurt. So many fears.

For a long time I wanted to blame my parents for making me so afraid. After all, problems always stem from the parents and childhood, right? Eventually I had to accept that my parents prepared me for life and I was the neurotic one who took their cautionary advice and amplified it to the nth degree until it overwhelmed me.

I am tired of living in fear. I want to be brave, I want to take chances, I want to live out loud and face the consequences. 

While I think it is important to look before we leap, to think through possible outcomes, and be prepared for them, we also need to take risks. We need to take educated risks and dare to fall, dare to fail. If we don’t, if we play it safe every single second of every single day then we aren’t really living. We are existing in a limited way that keeps us from ever experiencing true joy, excitement, or love.

I know this from experience. I have shut down so many possibilities because I see worst case scenarios. I haven’t gone after my bigger dreams because what if they flop? 

I am growing and I see the change. Before, when I’d make decisions from anything to getting a tattoo or going for the long fake nails that I love, I’d consider what each significant person in my life would think or say about it. Hell, even the faces they would make. Before I’d make a big money purchase I’d ponder how different people in my life would view my spending choices. 

It’s taken a long time but I’m getting better at doing what makes me happy or feels true to me. No one else is living my life, only I am. So long as I’m not making choices that intentionally cause harm to others, then I am free to choose me and my own happiness. 

I don’t know if it is the wisdom that comes with age or the work I’ve done on myself or some combination therein but it feels good to move forward with courage. I am better at claiming my life, confidently. I am 40 years old, single, and childless by choice. I’m a writer sa techie and a creative. I am an animal lover with house full of critters. I’m a daughter, sister, niece, cousin, aunt, and friend. I have three tattoos (four in my book but since one is an add-on most people say three). I have my nose pierced and for now, I’m back to nails most would describe as claws. I am authentically me and now that I’m not busy explaining myself all of the time, I’m free to dream bigger, do more, or simply rest and enjoy the life I have built. 

Fear has no place here. 

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