Worn Down by the Ugly

I’ve been gone from my blog for months now. I had been on such a great roll, and then I got sick, the world shut down, then the world seemed to lose its collective mind. 

I’ve felt a myriad of emotions during the past several months. I reached a point of being so overwhelmed by the ugliness in this world, and I found myself not wanting to exist. Pause here- no, I wasn’t suicidal, sometimes this world sucks so much I don’t know how to continue in it and maintain my sanity.

One night, I cried myself to sleep. I was lying in bed, in the dark, with tears streaming down my cheeks. I grabbed my phone because why not? Then I did a few emo tweets that I later deleted. (I’m a chronic deleter). A few friends reached out, and I ended up chatting with them for a bit. 

When I eventually put the phone down to attempt sleep, I felt better, but my heart was still heavy. I was still feeling lost as to how this world makes any sense or what I can possibly do to make it better. I felt a calm come over me, and I felt the following message, “Put it down. It’s not your burden to bear. Lead with love.” 

So that’s become my goal, finding ways to maintain my peace and to lead with love. I’ve done the angry tweets and cussed at politicians. It didn’t make me feel any better. I’ve seen so much hate, anger, divide, racism, ugliness, the list goes on. I don’t want to be a part of that anymore. I can’t change the world, but I don’t have to make it any worse than it already is.

That’s part of why I have been missing. Every time I did start spinning words to write, I couldn’t find what I wanted to say without devolving into an attack on people who hold different beliefs than me. 

Passion is good, necessary even. Conviction in ones beliefs, also essential in life. Attacking those who feel differently than you? It doesn’t get us anywhere. There’s enough hate to last infinite lifetimes. It’s time for us to start looking at what we have in common rather than what divides us. 

That being said, I will be writing on issues of racial injustice or LGBTQ in the future. I’ll speak out for those who have been marginalized and ‘othered’ because I do believe we have to lend our voices to help those in need. No problem has ever been solved without acknowledging it and facing it head-on. 

In my little space on the internet, I want to spread love, understanding, compassion, empathy, awareness, and support to anyone who feels alone or different. I’m not perfect. I am so flawed it’s not even funny. I’m learning, growing, messing up, and trying again every single day. Despite all the work I have done on myself, I still lash out at the ones I love. I have made fun of other people for the sake of feeling included. 

I’m trying to do better. I’m fighting to be better because I am so worn down by the ugly. 

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